Wednesday, October 8, 2014

A small peak into my brain

I've been giving this whole authenticity/vulnerability thing a lot of thought lately. I'm no closer to having any concrete goals but let me lay out my current thoughts on the matter....

I'm a people pleaser, I like to keep the peace and make people happy. Which can be a good thing, I mean at least I'm not purposefully pissing people off, BUT because of that I think I tend to conform to what I think people want from me instead of just being myself. I feel like all my life I've been who people wanted me to be and never given much thought to who I want to be. I mean every so often there will be a little outburst of what I think is the "authentic me" but they are rare. And now I'm almost 27 year's old and I'm questioning whether the life that I'm living is actually the life I want to live or is it the life other people want for me. ( I don't mean in all aspects, I just mean in certain aspects). I don't like to disappoint people. It's a problem sometimes.  I've been better about it recently. I've been realizing lately that if I want to get the most out of my life and make myself really, truly, insanely, shout it from the rooftops happy I'm probably going to have to disappoint a few people along the way and that's ok. They will still survive.

 A friend left a comment on my last post and she said that for her it came back to self-acceptance and trust and I completely agree and I think those are the 2 things I most need to work on as well. First I need to learn to be ok in my own skin. Sometimes I feel like I don't even know what my own skin looks like, so I guess it's a matter of figuring that out as well. I'm going to be a bit arrogant for a second though and say that from what I  do know of myself, I pretty much think I'm the bee's knees. However, I don't always think that other people will think I'm as awesome as I think I am. Which brings me to the second thing I should work on....I need to learn to trust that people will accept me for me. I always jump to the worst conclusions about how people will react if I confide in them or act a certain way around them but I need to trust that they will love me no matter what.

I was talking to a friend about some stuff going on in my life and how an honest conversation with someone else had turned into them being upset with me and how it bothered me. Here I was being vulnerable and opening up about struggles I'm having in my life right now and being super authentically me and they were getting angry with me for being me? No way, that is not ok. The friend that I was lamenting this back to told me that at the end of the day I just had to do what makes me happy and do what I want to and when I said that I would try he responded by saying "you don't try to do it, you just do it!"--And he's right. I think that you just have to be unapologetically yourself, that includes the good AND the bad parts, and hopefully the people that matter will stick around and love you just the same and the people that don't, well they don't deserve to have you in their lives anyways.

I feel like I just word vomited onto this page and I tried to go back and organize it into neat concise thoughts but I think I just made it more discombobulated....but that's how my thought process goes and that's just how I deal with it.


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