Thursday, October 2, 2014

Authentically speaking, I don't want to do this....

Before I start to open up my heart and soul to you about these next goals, let me back track and give some thoughts on simplicity.  When someone says to simplify something, I typically think make it easier. But let me tell you, simplifying isn't easy. These past 2 months of trying to simplify certain aspects of my life has been damn hard. As good of intentions as you have and as much as you know simplifying will make your life easier, the actual process is really difficult. I don't know why we decide to complicate our lives as much as we do.  I kinda gave up there at the end because life got too crazy (ironic since I was trying to simplify life?) and I just didn't have time to focus on it. But I learned some valuable lessons and do see the importance of keeping things simple.

Ok, now for the good stuff. Authenticity and vulnerability scare me to death. Out of all the topics Kat and I talked about focusing goals around, this is the one that terrifies me most. I can't even explain why but I just don't like to let people in. I have these walls that are built soooo high that I don't even think there's a single person in my life I've let all the way in. I don't like to feel vulnerable, I don't like to get attached to people, I don't like emotions.  It all scares me.  If you know me, then to some extent you know this is true. If you don't know me, you can try to get to know me but I'm not sure you'll make it very far. I don't feel that I'm inauthentic (is that a word?) but I think I am just very careful about what I choose to show people or how I choose to open up. And once in a blue moon when I do start to feel uncomfortably attached to someone, I immediately turn, run and disappear. I don't like to feel like I need people. Someone once told me that I could live in a cabin in the mountains by myself the rest of my life without any human contact and be just fine, whereas most people would go crazy. And to be completely authentic with you, it's probably true. Do I think this is a great way to live? No. Do I think you need to open up and be authentic and vulnerable? Yes can't know true happiness without knowing hurt.. So goals for these next 2 months? I don't know yet. I don't really want to crack myself open for the world to see but since I know I should if you have any thoughts on ways to open up and be more authentic, feel free to comment. I can use all the help I can get.

P.S. I would like all to note though that me admitting to everything above is by definition "opening up" so maybe I'm not as bad as I think. :)

P.P.S I tried to find a cute little comic to put on here to try and lighten the mood a bit, unfortunately I couldn't find one. I guess being closed off isn't something to laugh about. But I did find this quote and I really liked it.

1 comment:

  1. Well said, Brooke! I think vulnerability has been a challenge for me and my sister (Sarah) our whole lives. Sarah has been working on it and fo me it definitely made the first few years of my marriage really difficult. I had a hard time feeling dependent on someone (still do) and then there was a sudden lack of privacy. I have always enjoyed being alone and the fact that he was always there freaked me out! I think it was years before Nathan knew who I really was - luckily that worked out. I think that it is part of the reason I liked being a military spouse; I LOVED the constant change and chaos. It allowed me to keep a certain amount of shell up and expectations low. It has been an interesting 2 years trying to feel comfortable in my own skin and deciding how much I would allow myself to become a part of the community. As far as any advice: I have none. :) I think it is part of who we are and that is ok. For me, working on it has largely been a question of self-acceptance and trust. The Brooke I know is awesome. I cannot imagine how incredible the full-leaded Brooke is; but I am positive that like the one I know, she will shine.