wrapping up authenticity, just in time for the holidays!

Embracing imperfections is hard. I don't think it's meant to be easy. We live in a world where society's definition of perfection is unattainable, yet we are expected to strive to reach it.  We are told to have the perfect body (not too fat and not too skinny) but to also be happy with the body we have, to juggle multiple responsibilities (not limited to a career, a family, a relationship, or our personal hobbies) with ease and grace, to never let anyone see our weaknesses, to be continuously happy and cheerful regardless of whatever may be happening behind the scenes, to have the perfectly decorated and clean home, to have a deliciously prepared meal three times a day, to have well-rounded children who are perfect in every way, etc. etc. Seriously, the list could go on and on.

Basically, we are told to believe we are never enough--we will never reach "perfection".

That's why I tackled the task of embracing my imperfections and cultivating the courage to show them. I, like everyone, am subject to society's expectations. I am constantly told that I'm not __________ enough (fill in the blank with the word of your choice). It's demoralizing to be bombarded with this message every day.

As I reflect on my authenticity journey the last two months, I'm pretty happy with the progress I made. I learned to start saying "I'm enough" when society tells me otherwise. I engaged in some difficult conversations regarding my imperfections and how I may need more support than I can give myself. I learned to look outward for strength when I need it most. I've started to be happy with little amounts of consistent progress and to stop expecting huge bounds toward perfection.

As with all of the topics Brooke and I will be tackling this year, authenticity is a journey--it's not something that happens overnight. That's why we chose the imagery of blossoming--it's a beautiful process. I will definitely keep thinking about authenticity and how to cultivate a more accepting view of myself and others, but for now I need to focus a little more on spirituality. Goals will be coming soon!

Read More

authenticity: untitled

Does anyone else ever feel like life has a funny little way of handing you challenges at the exact moment you're thinking that you can't take anymore? Or that your current challenge seems to target whatever you're working to improve?

Story of my life. And probably yours too.

Let's be real here, we all have challenges and I believe they are specifically catered to what we need---in my experience, strengthening my weaknesses or imperfections or learning to embrace them as such. The last two months as I've been working on authenticity have been no different. I've shared a few experiences that have helped me practice authenticity or accept others authenticity, and I've dealt with even more that I've chosen to keep private. Whether these challenges have lasted a day, a week, or are still ongoing one thing has remained the same: I've always received exactly what I need.

In the past I would end there with my "someone's always got your back" speech and say that if you're doing everything in your power and being the best person you can be, it will all be okay. And I still stand by that message. But as I've been specifically thinking about authenticity and how I need to let others see me struggle and help me out, I've been trying to ask for what I need rather than "just dealing with it". For example, last night on our walk Wes brought up a topic that is really hard for me to discuss. After a few moments of putting on a brave face and sharing my thoughts, I'd had enough. In the past, I would just shut down then and there until Wes got the message. Instead, I told Wes I'd had enough of the subject and needed to change topics. He politely obliged and we were quickly discussing something much easier for me to handle.

My mother is famous for saying, "It never hurts to ask!" Like, really. I'm sure my dad has heard it more times than days they've been married. But it's so true! You will never know some answers until you ask, and you may never get some things you need if you don't ask. For example, sometimes my principal is terrifying (she doesn't mean to be, she's just assertive and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that), so you can imagine how a meek introvert like me has a difficult time asking for favors or other things I need that aren't the norm. But I've found that if I just ask her for what is needed, she almost always agrees and goes above and beyond to help. Case in point: I need to leave work early today to make it to a wedding dinner on time. It's not totally kosher for a faculty member to leave work before students, but I figured I would ask. You wanna know her response? "Oh sure! You can even leave earlier than that if you need to!" See? All I needed to do was ask.

Moral of the story is that sometimes the best way to be our authentic selves is to ask--ask for help, ask a question if we don't understand, ask for more time or space, etc. It's okay to be unsure of things or what to do. It's not okay to become stagnant because we aren't willing to ask.

Read More

learning moments in patience

So I'm not into divulging personal details here, especially when it comes to the ones I love and hold most dear. Sorry if this post is vague, but I'd rather keep my relationships private. Hope you understand.

The past month has been a difficult one for my husband and me. Between the grad school applications and fees, family expectations, student vs. non-student workload, and general stress I have not been the most patient person on the planet. Who am I kidding, I'm never the most patient person on the planet! Regardless, I have not been as patient with myself or the husband as I should. It's taking a toll on me.

Sunday night afforded me the wonderful opportunity of exercising patience with Wes and myself. Like I said, no personal details, but know that Sunday night I began to understand the beauty of patience with one's spouse when they are feeling particularly vulnerable. Typically I jump to conclusions or try to create an immediate solution. I'm not sure if I do those things to avoid dealing with Wes's vulnerability or if I truly think I'm helping, but I rarely allow myself to deal with his vulnerability. That night, however, I took the opportunity to listen to everything Wes had to say without jumping in or creating "fixes" in my mind. I just sat and listened.  When Wes was done, I simply offered an apology of sympathy along with a hug and assured him that everything would be okay. You know what? It worked! My patience, reassurance, and faith in Wes was what he needed, simple as that.

I'm so grateful for the opportunities I've had to exercise patience with others and myself this past month. I've learned so many things about authenticity, both for myself and others. My eyes have been opened to what's really important and how much growing I have left to do. I'm excited to see what November has to bring!

Read More

on patience

I'm not sure how to start this post, or even really what to write. I have so many thoughts swirling in my head regarding authenticity. We'll see how this goes.

A coworker and personal friend of mine attended a conference this week on cultural competence...aka accepting and celebrating differences. This coworker is very different from many of my other coworkers in lifestyle, religion, diet/exercise habits, priorities, relationship status, etc. Needless to say, the conference was not her favorite event; she told me she was made to feel "very shallow" and that she felt extremely disrespected by our other coworkers who were in attendance. She has participated in a similar activity before and loved it; this time--not so much.

Her experience got me thinking about how accepting I am of others' differences or their authenticity. Who am I to judge? Along with my voracious appetite for perfection from myself, I expect just as much perfection from others. (Ask my husband.) I tend to think that my way is almost always the best way and any other is ridiculous. I have a hard time letting others figure things out for themselves when I've "been there, done that" and can spare them from pain and loss. I get frustrated when friends and family members don't listen to my advice and choose contrary to what I recommend. Basically I'm a big ball of "I know what's up and you should listen".

So I've decided I need to work on accepting others' faults and flaws just as much as I'm working on accepting my own. It all comes down to being patient--something that is a major struggle and goes hand in hand with perfection. Accepting imperfection requires patience. Patience requires accepting imperfection. Simple as that. I'll keep ya posted!

Read More

LOVE THIS!!!

 

I love this quote, just thought I'd share....

What I'm finding with this vulnerability/authenticity thing is that you spend a lot of your time being uncomfortable. And its scary. But totally worth it. Because once you push through the scary, uneasy, awkward feelings you feel light, happy and finally like yourself. What I've learned so far is that its ok to question things, what's right for someone else is not necessarily what's right for me and that getting to know myself is going to be a life-long process and that's just fine with me.

Read More

on perfectionism

Perfectionism is a nasty word and a nasty thing. It's probably my biggest downfall--ironic. Anytime I doubt myself, am snarky/rude/curt, feel blue, or feel anything negative really I can almost always relate it back to perfectionism. Perfectionism is the demon that tries to run my life, and usually ends up ruining it if it gets out of hand.

The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown spends an entire chapter on perfectionism and self-compassion. (I am telling you, I loved this book!!) Below is how Brown explains perfectionism (pp. 56-57)

::Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be your best.
::Perfectionism is not self-improvement.
::Perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system.

Brown also states that "...when you're a perfectionist, your self-worth is on the line." (p. 57) I told you perfectionism was nasty.

If I take an honest look at myself, I find that perfectionism hits me in two major areas: body image and home-making. I'm constantly comparing my body/hair/skin/teeth/whatever to other women, real or not. I can tell myself all I want that the women in magazines, movies, tv, etc. are photo-shopped and I truly believe they are, but when it comes down it I still compare. I also constantly compare my cooking/baking/cleaning/organization/decorating/child-bearing skills to other women. I get down on myself that I have hardly any art on the walls, my bed isn't made every day, I cook maybe twice a week, and I don't have kids. I have to be extremely wary and delineate between self-improvement and perfectionism when it comes to body image and home-making.

So what can we do to ward off perfectionism? Brown gives two suggestions (p. 57): speak about/acknowledge imperfections in tender and honest ways, and be slow to judge yourself and others...aka practice self-compassion. She even links Dr. Kristin Neff's word on self-compassion, complete with a self-compassion scale to rate how you're doing (www.self-compassion.org).

If you're like me and identify with feelings of perfectionism, fill in the rating scale! It's a great first step on your perfectionism recovery journey! I discovered that I'm doing quite well with common humanity and mindfulness, but my self-kindness and self-judgment could definitely use some work.

Anything you guys use or do to help you overcome feelings of perfectionism?

Read More

On lacking emotions...

I listen to Click 98.9 in the mornings on my way into work and they have a segment called "Tough Love from Siri" or something like that where people can call in and ask Siri questions about life and she gives them an answer. Siri's tagline though is "I can't hurt your feelings because I don't know what feelings are". Sometimes I feel like Siri and I can commiserate on that. I often feel like I'm lacking the normal emotions that other people have, like I'm heartless or something. Today I'm going to let someone else do the talking for me. Read the article from the link below, it paints a near perfect picture of me. --> 16 Things unemotional women will understand

Read More

Thank you, Brene Brown!

Guys, I finished a book. That never happens!

Remember in this post when I quoted Brene Brown on her definition of authenticity? That definition really hit home! I used Brown's definition, along with recent experiences, to draft my authenticity goals. They're pretty broad and may only mean something to me, but since this project is about self-improvement and blossoming how/when I choose I guess that's what matters.

1. I will embrace my imperfections.
-I will stop it with the comparisons.
-I will believe that I am enough.

2. I will cultivate the courage to show my imperfections.
-I will let go of perfectionism.
-I will cultivate self-compassion.
-I will focus on gratitude.

As I've been thinking about these goals, finishing up The Gifts of Imperfection, and taking a life inventory I've started to realize how personal authenticity is and how much courage it takes to be authentic. It's much easier to hide behind a facade or pretend, if even for a little bit. But eventually the act is going to catch up with you. Maybe I'm not as authentic and courageous as I thought?

Read More

authenticity at it's finest

Remember how last time I wrote about not letting anyone see me cry? Not even my husband?

Well, things may have changed in that department the next evening.

After a long and stressful day at work (three extra meetings in one day...kill me!), I received a phone call from a friend in my neighborhood.

"Kat, I just heard about Betty Lou*...I'm so sorry! Do you need anything?"

"What about Betty Lou?"

"Um...she passed away this morning."

Who is Betty Lou?  Our landlady. That's right, our landlady passed away right under our noses (literally and figuratively). Clearly, I can't blame Betty Lou and I am in no way upset at her; she was perhaps the sweetest little thing I will ever meet and was far more generous than we ever expected. However, it was shocking and untimely news. Panic immediately set in and as soon as I was off the phone (and in the driveway), the tears came a-flowin'! I was perhaps more unraveled than I ever have been. Can you blame me? I assumed we would have to move right away. We don't have any real back up options, even for a short time. And because my husband is applying to physical therapy school for next year, we are hesitant to sign a lease with anyone else until we know when we are heading out.

Basically, I was in full panic mode--not a pretty sight.

Luckily, my husband knew about Betty Lou passing before I knew so he was prepared for the unraveling. As soon as I walked in the door he swooped me up in a giant bear hug and preceded to lay on the floor with me as I sobbed. He took me out for frozen yogurt and made me go on a walk to work out my thoughts.

As I laid in bed that night, I thought about authenticity and how just the day before I admitted I never let my husband see me cry. What a perfect opportunity to let my imperfections/non-superwoman show, right? While this isn't a situation I'd wish on anyone or something I'd like to have happen again, it was relieving to let my husband help me work through something difficult for both of us. The support he provided and love he showed reaffirmed that I am not in this alone. None of us are.

I think that's something else I need to focus on during these months of authenticity--asking for help when I need it. Due to my need to be superwoman to take care of everyone and everything, it's very difficult for me to ask for help. I would rather have a nervous breakdown before it gets to that point. But I don't think that's healthy, and I don't think that's being true to who I am. I'm human, and being human comes with weaknesses. As much as I don't like to admit it or let my weaknesses show, they're there. Part of being authentic is letting those imperfections show and owning them, every single one.

So there you have it. I let one of my imperfections show, even if only for a brief moment. It was kind of nice!

Ending to the story: Our landlady's children are letting us stay until the house sells, which will probably not be until spring. Talk about a relief!

*names have been changed to protect identity

Read More

A small peak into my brain

I've been giving this whole authenticity/vulnerability thing a lot of thought lately. I'm no closer to having any concrete goals but let me lay out my current thoughts on the matter....

I'm a people pleaser, I like to keep the peace and make people happy. Which can be a good thing, I mean at least I'm not purposefully pissing people off, BUT because of that I think I tend to conform to what I think people want from me instead of just being myself. I feel like all my life I've been who people wanted me to be and never given much thought to who I want to be. I mean every so often there will be a little outburst of what I think is the "authentic me" but they are rare. And now I'm almost 27 year's old and I'm questioning whether the life that I'm living is actually the life I want to live or is it the life other people want for me. ( I don't mean in all aspects, I just mean in certain aspects). I don't like to disappoint people. It's a problem sometimes.  I've been better about it recently. I've been realizing lately that if I want to get the most out of my life and make myself really, truly, insanely, shout it from the rooftops happy I'm probably going to have to disappoint a few people along the way and that's ok. They will still survive.

 A friend left a comment on my last post and she said that for her it came back to self-acceptance and trust and I completely agree and I think those are the 2 things I most need to work on as well. First I need to learn to be ok in my own skin. Sometimes I feel like I don't even know what my own skin looks like, so I guess it's a matter of figuring that out as well. I'm going to be a bit arrogant for a second though and say that from what I  do know of myself, I pretty much think I'm the bee's knees. However, I don't always think that other people will think I'm as awesome as I think I am. Which brings me to the second thing I should work on....I need to learn to trust that people will accept me for me. I always jump to the worst conclusions about how people will react if I confide in them or act a certain way around them but I need to trust that they will love me no matter what.

I was talking to a friend about some stuff going on in my life and how an honest conversation with someone else had turned into them being upset with me and how it bothered me. Here I was being vulnerable and opening up about struggles I'm having in my life right now and being super authentically me and they were getting angry with me for being me? No way, that is not ok. The friend that I was lamenting this back to told me that at the end of the day I just had to do what makes me happy and do what I want to and when I said that I would try he responded by saying "you don't try to do it, you just do it!"--And he's right. I think that you just have to be unapologetically yourself, that includes the good AND the bad parts, and hopefully the people that matter will stick around and love you just the same and the people that don't, well they don't deserve to have you in their lives anyways.

I feel like I just word vomited onto this page and I tried to go back and organize it into neat concise thoughts but I think I just made it more discombobulated....but that's how my thought process goes and that's just how I am...so deal with it.

Read More

authentically speaking, i can't wait to do this!!

I'm pretty much an open book. I have no problem telling most people my problems and seeking advice. Perhaps I'm a little too open with personal things? I'm sure my husband thinks so. Basically, I'm the exact opposite of Brooke (here we go again with opposites). Out of all of the things Brooke and I will be focusing on this year, authenticity is the one area I feel confident in. She's pretty much the most well-rounded and down-to-earth person I know, so to feel like I'm ahead in the game for once boosts my confidence with this blossoming intentionally thing.

I used to think I also had high walls built up around me, that no one was ever going to get to know "the real me". I was sure I was the black sheep of the family (being a middle child and all), and the way I bounced from social group to social groups reaffirmed that I was never going to fit in anywhere. Then college happened and my walls crumbled. I found confidence and self-esteem in areas of my life I wasn't even sure existed. I finally felt safe with a solid groups of friends, and  relationships within my family blossomed. Everything I had kept bottled up started pouring out--fears, struggles, likes/dislikes, dreams, anxieties, everything! What a wonderful thing to finally feel like I had discovered my true self! Since graduating college four years ago, my confidence and openness has waxed and waned but I generally feel that I've been able to stay true to myself, letting my light shine.

So here's the where the difficulty comes in: I don't know what to focus on for authenticity! I know I have improvements to make, we can always improve, but I'm not quite sure where I should start. Currently, I'm reading a book by Brene Brown--The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are--and I'm loving the concept of embracing imperfection. I feel like a pretty authentic person, but I struggle with perfectionism. I speak my mind all I want, am pretty set in what I think is right and wrong, have a clear sense of direction, and feel extremely settled with the life I've built for myself. However, it's very difficult for me to let anyone see any sort of struggle. I can talk about it all I want, but when it comes to seeing the struggle in action...what a different story. It's rare that anyone (even my husband) sees me cry, and it's almost as rare that  anyone sees me rattled (in fact, I've been told by many coworkers that I'm the most level-headed at the school...say what?). I've been born and bred with the "fake it til you make it" motto. I've recently succumbed to the "you're not good enough" message that plagues our society in everything from body image to religious affirmation.

In The Gifts of Imperfection, Brown states that part of choosing authenticity is "cultivating the courage to be imperfect, to set boundaries, and to allow ourselves to be vulnerable" (p. 50). I think that's where I need to start--cultivating courage to be imperfect. I need to be more patient with myself. I need to realize that I'm no longer a size 4 and probably never will be, that I can only handle so much responsibility at work until I break, that I can follow through on only so many promises until I starting failing people, that I can't take care of others until I take care of myself. Basically, I'm not superwoman (even though I'd like to be).

While my goals aren't set in stone (I'll let you know when they are), I'm nearly positive "courageously embracing imperfection" is going to be my guidepost. If you have any ideas on how I can cultivate that kind of courage, please share! I'll need some support!

Read More

Authentically speaking, I don't want to do this....

Before I start to open up my heart and soul to you about these next goals, let me back track and give some thoughts on simplicity.  When someone says to simplify something, I typically think make it easier. But let me tell you, simplifying isn't easy. These past 2 months of trying to simplify certain aspects of my life has been damn hard. As good of intentions as you have and as much as you know simplifying will make your life easier, the actual process is really difficult. I don't know why we decide to complicate our lives as much as we do.  I kinda gave up there at the end because life got too crazy (ironic since I was trying to simplify life?) and I just didn't have time to focus on it. But I learned some valuable lessons and do see the importance of keeping things simple.

Ok, now for the good stuff. Authenticity and vulnerability scare me to death. Out of all the topics Kat and I talked about focusing goals around, this is the one that terrifies me most. I can't even explain why but I just don't like to let people in. I have these walls that are built soooo high that I don't even think there's a single person in my life I've let all the way in. I don't like to feel vulnerable, I don't like to get attached to people, I don't like emotions.  It all scares me.  If you know me, then to some extent you know this is true. If you don't know me, you can try to get to know me but I'm not sure you'll make it very far. I don't feel that I'm inauthentic (is that a word?) but I think I am just very careful about what I choose to show people or how I choose to open up. And once in a blue moon when I do start to feel uncomfortably attached to someone, I immediately turn, run and disappear. I don't like to feel like I need people. Someone once told me that I could live in a cabin in the mountains by myself the rest of my life without any human contact and be just fine, whereas most people would go crazy. And to be completely authentic with you, it's probably true. Do I think this is a great way to live? No. Do I think you need to open up and be authentic and vulnerable? Yes
...you can't know true happiness without knowing hurt.. So goals for these next 2 months? I don't know yet. I don't really want to crack myself open for the world to see but since I know I should if you have any thoughts on ways to open up and be more authentic, feel free to comment. I can use all the help I can get.

P.S. I would like all to note though that me admitting to everything above is by definition "opening up" so maybe I'm not as bad as I think. :)

P.P.S I tried to find a cute little comic to put on here to try and lighten the mood a bit, unfortunately I couldn't find one. I guess being closed off isn't something to laugh about. But I did find this quote and I really liked it.

Read More